boobs.
No, not that kind. The other kind.
When I was a teenager, just before my senior year in high school, I got my first car. It was a 78 VW Rabbit, a stick. (Remind me to tell you the story of how I learned to drive a stick...).
Anyway, testosterone+automobile=idiocy.
I would drive that thing around like I was some kind of stunt driver. Speeding, fishtailing right and left... "How fast can I take this curve?" I would drive 50-60 through residential areas.
I put a 300 watt amp in, and two big 10-inch boxes in the back and would turn the music up to "obnoxious" whenever possible. I'd drive around bumping Boston, Run DMC, Queen... Whatever was loudest. I'd pull up to a stop light and turn the music UP.
I was an inconsiderate boob.
80 on the freeway is one thing. 50 in a residential area? That's just criminal.
I thought everyone wanted to hear my music. I thought they would be impressed by my bass. For some strange reason, I thought when they saw the way I fishtailed around the corner, they would ooh and ahhh... all the ladies would want me and all the guys would want to be me.... yeah.
Like I said, I was an inconsiderate boob. A real dumb ass.
But... I grew up.
At a certain point, I stopped driving like an absolute maniac. I stopped turning the music up "to eleven." It wasn't just that I realized I was jeopardizing my own life or my own hearing, even though that was part of it.
No, the big, huge, stunning realization I came to slowly over the course of the last decade is...
There are actually other people in the world.
Yes! There are.
Seriously.
And even more than that... as I came to realize just what an inconsiderate boob I was, I also slowly came to the realization that no one was impressed by my stereo, other than other inconsiderate boobs. No one was impressed by my driving, other than other dumb asses.
Why am I telling you this?
Here's the thing.
I used to drive through neighborhoods, blasting my stereo, laying down rubber around corners... like I said- dumb ass. But now, I live in one of those neighborhoods. And maybe I'm just getting old, but some of you dumb asses are really starting to piss me off.
Let me give you a little help to determine if YOU might be an inconsiderate boob... a dumb ass.
Do you have a coffee can muffler? Dumb ass. Yes, intentionally modifying your vehicle to produce more noise and not less AUTOMATICALLY makes you a dumb ass.
NO ONE... and I know you don't care, but I need to say this, so just listen, please... NO ONE is impressed (other than the aforementioned "other dumb asses").
I know this is hard for you to believe, but when we see you driving your '92 Civic hatchback
which you bought for $800 andthen "tricked out" with that big stereo
and that stupid-ass muffler...
we do NOT think, "Whoa! He's pretty fly for a white guy!"
We think, "Geez. What a complete idiot. He's been working all year at Dairy Queen and look what he blows his money on. What a dumb ass."
And lest you think this is all youth-related stupidity... it's not. (Here's where I get myself in real trouble)
Are you 40? Do you own a motorcycle KNOWN for the loudness of it's exhaust? Do you drive it around the neighborhood, setting off car alarms and waking up people's babies?
You too, my friend, are a dumb ass.
I know, I know... You think that hog is the coolest thing in the world and that when you sit on it and rev it up YOU are the coolest thing in the world.
No, no, no... you're an inconsiderate boob.
You get on it, stuff cotton in your ears, put on your New DOT Approved Black German Motorcycle Helmet
and roar down the road thinking you are a serious bad ass and everyone knows it... when in reality your neighbors wish you'd move and when you drive by rattling our windows, drowning out our conversations we say... you guessed it!
"What a dumb ass."
Big giant truck with monster wheels and "balls" hanging down in the back?
Dumb ass.
Do your rims spin? Is your car payment more than your rent? Do you drive through my neighborhood with your seat so far back that you have to put your arm out of the REAR widow of your 89 Accord?
hmmmm...
Okay... I'm sorry for the rant. Apologies. Back to our regularly scheduled spiritual programming. Thanks for listening...
When I was a teenager, just before my senior year in high school, I got my first car. It was a 78 VW Rabbit, a stick. (Remind me to tell you the story of how I learned to drive a stick...).
Anyway, testosterone+automobile=idiocy.
I would drive that thing around like I was some kind of stunt driver. Speeding, fishtailing right and left... "How fast can I take this curve?" I would drive 50-60 through residential areas.
I put a 300 watt amp in, and two big 10-inch boxes in the back and would turn the music up to "obnoxious" whenever possible. I'd drive around bumping Boston, Run DMC, Queen... Whatever was loudest. I'd pull up to a stop light and turn the music UP.
I was an inconsiderate boob.
80 on the freeway is one thing. 50 in a residential area? That's just criminal.
I thought everyone wanted to hear my music. I thought they would be impressed by my bass. For some strange reason, I thought when they saw the way I fishtailed around the corner, they would ooh and ahhh... all the ladies would want me and all the guys would want to be me.... yeah.
Like I said, I was an inconsiderate boob. A real dumb ass.
But... I grew up.
At a certain point, I stopped driving like an absolute maniac. I stopped turning the music up "to eleven." It wasn't just that I realized I was jeopardizing my own life or my own hearing, even though that was part of it.
No, the big, huge, stunning realization I came to slowly over the course of the last decade is...
There are actually other people in the world.
Yes! There are.
Seriously.
And even more than that... as I came to realize just what an inconsiderate boob I was, I also slowly came to the realization that no one was impressed by my stereo, other than other inconsiderate boobs. No one was impressed by my driving, other than other dumb asses.
Why am I telling you this?
Here's the thing.
I used to drive through neighborhoods, blasting my stereo, laying down rubber around corners... like I said- dumb ass. But now, I live in one of those neighborhoods. And maybe I'm just getting old, but some of you dumb asses are really starting to piss me off.
Let me give you a little help to determine if YOU might be an inconsiderate boob... a dumb ass.
Do you have a coffee can muffler? Dumb ass. Yes, intentionally modifying your vehicle to produce more noise and not less AUTOMATICALLY makes you a dumb ass. NO ONE... and I know you don't care, but I need to say this, so just listen, please... NO ONE is impressed (other than the aforementioned "other dumb asses").
I know this is hard for you to believe, but when we see you driving your '92 Civic hatchback
which you bought for $800 andthen "tricked out" with that big stereo 
and that stupid-ass muffler...
we do NOT think, "Whoa! He's pretty fly for a white guy!"
We think, "Geez. What a complete idiot. He's been working all year at Dairy Queen and look what he blows his money on. What a dumb ass."
And lest you think this is all youth-related stupidity... it's not. (Here's where I get myself in real trouble)
Are you 40? Do you own a motorcycle KNOWN for the loudness of it's exhaust? Do you drive it around the neighborhood, setting off car alarms and waking up people's babies?
You too, my friend, are a dumb ass.
I know, I know... You think that hog is the coolest thing in the world and that when you sit on it and rev it up YOU are the coolest thing in the world.
No, no, no... you're an inconsiderate boob.
You get on it, stuff cotton in your ears, put on your New DOT Approved Black German Motorcycle Helmet
and roar down the road thinking you are a serious bad ass and everyone knows it... when in reality your neighbors wish you'd move and when you drive by rattling our windows, drowning out our conversations we say... you guessed it!
"What a dumb ass."
Big giant truck with monster wheels and "balls" hanging down in the back?
Dumb ass.
Do your rims spin? Is your car payment more than your rent? Do you drive through my neighborhood with your seat so far back that you have to put your arm out of the REAR widow of your 89 Accord?
hmmmm...
Okay... I'm sorry for the rant. Apologies. Back to our regularly scheduled spiritual programming. Thanks for listening...
5 Comments:
Sounds like I'm going to have to rethink that '92 Civic HB.
Don't hold back, Son...tell us how you really feel about it. How do the other neighbors feel about it? Don't you guys have an association? Is there any type of noise ordinance?
By the way, was that the old Rabbit that you used to make backfire on the San Diego freeways just to scare the heck out of me? Now, that was a pretty Dumb Ass thing to do to your Mom, huh?
here here
there is no recourse for me when my child has blood coming from her ears because of the bass of the teenage kid next to me has is bass up and my whole car is vibrating. ok maybe she doesnt have blood coming from her ears, but it significantly decreases my quality of life when I am stuck next to these losers with the stereos that vibrate everything in a 50 ft radius. It moves my normal pacifist tendencies to want to huck a hand grenade into their window.
likewise when i am walking happily down the street talking with someone and all they can see is my mouth moving because the harley folks are out and about. I understand midlife crisis, but must it be announced so loudly?
well said the whole of it.
the worst thing about this post is that it's finally known that you listened to, of all things, Boston and Queen. Dumb ass.
;)
At least now certain aforementioned boobs can listen to their music in style as they ride.
and please tell me you don't have pop-ups here...I might be completely disheartened.
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